What a week!!!

We are almost through with the 1st week of school! Ben has done pretty good so far! He cried today when I dropped him off, but surprisingly he didnt on the first day! Go figure! :) I pretty much had to run out on Tuesday because all the moms and most of the dad's we're bawling their eyes out! Wow that was rough!! I was surprised I didnt cry! I did get a little teary eyed tho!

Aubrey started "school" on Tuesday as well! She was fine when I left her, and actually didnt even realize I left because there we're tons of kids and toys for her to play with! She was very happy to see me tho! Some how they ended up loosing her sippy cup on the first day! She probably threw it away tho! When I dropped her off today, she cried and did not want me to leave! They said she was fine tho shortly after I left. They also said that a little boy fell and was crying and Aubrey went and patted his back and gave him a kiss! :) She's so sweet! She's friended one of the little girls there Annika! They said that the two of them we're inseparable today! I'm so glad she's doing good and making friends there! It makes it so much easier!!

Tomorrow will be 5 weeks since my D&C! I cant believe its already been that long! It seems like just yesterday at times, but then forever ago too! I had my hcg level drawn at work on Sunday and it was 29. I called Dr. Garas to see if he would do another on Wednesday and he did, it was 20.6. So they are falling, just not fast enough!! I'm so ready to be back in the TTC game! I wish I knew how to get the rest of it out of my system like NOW!! I know, I know, patience is a virtue!! It will happen when it's ready! Not when I'm ready!!! Grr!!

I guess now is as good as a time as any to go ahead and start working out or doing something to get rid of my flab!! I'm thinking I'm going to start doing a crunches routine and I want to try that Mederma Stretch Mark Therapy! Maybe I can make that my muse! 12 weeks of crunches along with 12 weeks of Mederma?! Sounds like a plan to me!! Until we meet again....

Confusion, nervous, and a ball of emotions...

I have been a ball of emotions all week! We decided that Aubrey needed to go to daycare 2 days a week bc of my school and my sister couldnt babysit her. I'm so scared to leave my baby girl!! She starts on Tuesday! I'm going to cry so hard!! Hopefully I will make it out of the building first! Then after I take her I get to come home and get Ben ready for his 1st day of school as well! Talk about a double whammy!! Hopefully I'll be able to stop crying and focus on my first day back to school! My first class starts at 11a so hopefully I'll be somewhat calmed down by then! I just cant believe my babies are growing up so fast! I'm going to upload some pics of them on their first day of school!! I did get them each a new outfit to wear and today Ben picked out his backpack! He was really disappointed when Target didnt have a Car's backpack!! But I saved the day when I found a Batman one buried behind a bunch of Transformers! And to complete it, he got a Scooby Doo lunch box! An odd combo, but he's happy and that means I'm happy!! :)

Well, today is 1 month since we lost our LoveBug! I cant believe it's already been that long!! Most days, it seems like just yesterday, but then sometimes it seems like forever ago! I really want to get a necklace or something with everyone's birth stones on it, but I want something I can add to, for when we do add to our family! On that note, I think I might be pregnant again! I was kind of sporadically testing here and there waiting to get a BFN so I would no when my horomones we're down and when I could finally expect my AF, and I finally got that BFN! Well, since we were uh cleared to uh "get down to business" (as the OB put it!) we did and I figured what the hell, I'll test just for shits and giggles! Well imagine my surprise, when I see a faint 2nd line! I'm literally still in shock! IDK if I should believe it or not. I'm scared to get excited, but I hate the not knowing for sure! Why does this have to be so complicated and confusing?! I may see if someone will draw my levels at work tomorrow night and then maybe again next weekend to see what they are and if they have gone up or anything. I'm hoping to come back and post that I am indeed pregnant again! It would make for a busy May if I truely am!!

The All Clear, sickness, and the trials of parenthood...

Where should I start?! Yesterday, we got the "all clear" to start TTC again! Or as my OB put it, get back down to business! LOL I must say I love my OB! The pathology results were kinda what I expected, but also a little surprising as well! They showed no fetal parts, but came back normal, as in it was a fluke and not my Lupus that caused the miscarriage. I didn't get what he meant by no fetal parts, but he explained that my body had already started reabsorbing the baby after it's heart stopped beating. I'm very relieved that my lupus didn't cause the miscarriage, but I'm sad that we will probably never no either. But, we're looking forward to trying again and having a successful pregnancy!

After the good news at the DR yesterday, Aubrey started running a high fever. :( She didn't really feel warm until we were getting her ready for bed. When I checked her temp it was 102.3*F!! Not cool! So I went to bed around 10 and then Aubrey was up a little before 1a with a fever over 103*F! Yea, umm...way to go Tylenol!! You're supposed to make the temp go DOWN not UP!! So we hang out in the living room and I catch up on some shows thinking "ok, she'll be ready for bed in like an hour max"! Yea right!! We didn't fall asleep until 530a!! Then she was up at 645a, so it was now daddy duty time! My little peanut is still running a low grade fever! :( I hope it breaks soon and we can have a nice restful night!!

Although Aubrey is not feeling up to par, it hasn't stopped her from picking on her brother!! It never ceases to amaze me with the 2 of them! They can be playing so good together 1 minute and the next they're smacking each other and fighting like pitbulls!! Makes me want to rip my hair out at times! Then of course Ben will tell me he loves me and Aubrey will come give me a kiss and all is forgiven! (at least for the time being!!) I wouldn't change it for anything!

The countdown to school starting has officially begun!! T minus 13 days! I'm super nervous for Ben, but I'm also nervous at starting at a new school!! I knew my way around PSC and now I'm starting all over again! It freaks me out just a little bit, but I think it will be good!! Who knows, I may even switch back to PSC for their Nursing program, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there!

Have you ever wondered what if.....? I'm extremely happy that I chose a career in the medical field, but at the same time lately I've been wondering what if I would've gone to med school right out of high school? Or what if I would've taken my scholarships to Johnson and Wales and gone into the Culinary Field?! I know I wouldn't have my hubs and my small people, bc I doubt me the hubs would've probably never met. I definitely wouldn't change anything, but I do have those "what if" moments, especially when watching shows like Boston Med or Hell's Kitchen! I would love to move away and get a job as Mass General or the Brigham or HUP! I just don't no if I'm ready to leave FL and all my family. I hate this crappy heat and humidity, but I'm not sure how well I would fair in the snow! Well enough debbie downer crap and what ifs, now I'm just trying to find a way to convince Tim audition for Hell's Kitchen! Although, I would've loved for him to be on this past season's and had the chance at moving to London to work at the Savoy!!

1 week...and so on...

It's been 1 week since the D&C. I'm not sure how I expected to feel, but I'm feeling pretty good. I miss being pregnant and now I desperately want to be again. I want that big ol' belly and to feel my little one playing the bongos on my organs! I never realized just how much I wanted our little baby. Dont get me wrong, I was estatic to be pregnant and couldnt wait until February, but I think part of me also took the pregnancy foregranted and I personally never, ever thought I would have a miscarriage. I definately have a new perspective and outlook on pregnancy and miscarriage now.

With everything that has gone on this past week, it's really got me thinking about how much I cant wait to finish school!! I want to be a nurse so bad now it's not even funny! I'm going up to school on Monday morning (straight from work!) to talk to a counselor again about my financial aid and I may talk to a counselor about what all I will need for my BSN. If I can knock out some of those courses while I'm waiting to get into the nursing program then I will definately do it!! It's seriously time I got serious about school and finishing my degree!! I've been thinking about how much I would LOVE to be a DR, but with the amount of schooling I probably wouldnt even graduate until I was atleast 35!! I would want to specialize in OB/GYN maybe even MFM. (maternal fetal medicine) But I think I've come to the conclusion that I want to become a CNM, Certified Nurse Midwife. I know there is an online program where they team you up with a midwife in your area to do all of your clinicals with, but I've also been looking in to maybe applying to UF for their program! How cool would it be to do clinicals and work at Shands?! After graduation, I would consider moving back here or maybe the Orlando area and working at Winnie Palmer. (If they use CNM's, not sure about that!) Also, there's been a rumor that maybe Watson Clinic is going to start using CNM's as well, to help relieve some of the patient load from the OB's, especially since Dr B has officially retired. I think it would be awesome to work with them! WOW! Enough about school already!

I cant believe how big Aubrey is getting!! Her vocabulary is rapidly expanding and she's definately got a little bit of a temper! (Ok, more than a little bit!) She loves the words "cookie", "ouch", and now "bubba"! It's so cute watching her run around screaming bubba bubba!! Ben doesnt particularly like it, as he thinks she's calling him a baby! :) I cant believe he is about to start Pre-K! He's getting more and more excited about it! I'm a little worried tho, as we have completely spoiled him rotten so he likes to take advantage of us and pretty much whoever he can. We've been having a few attitude problems and listening problems with him lately, but he is only 4, so some of it's to be expected. Seriously tho, no book in the world can actually prepare you for parenting and how bad you may or may not screw up at times! I guess you live and you learn and pray you all make it through the day alive! :)

The last few days....

This week definately did not start as a good one. We decided that I should go ahead and have the D&C. I called Thursday to set everything up and was extremely surprised when I got a call back saying that I was scheduled for Friday morning at 8a! I was hoping to wait until after the weekend since it's Ben's birthday weekend. I also had to work Thursday night! I ended up getting off at 530a and going and checking in for surgery downstairs. They were running behind or just taking their sweet ol' time, so I didnt get to pre-op until like 645 and they we're already trying to take me to PACU holding! I got to PACU holding around 715 and just hung out there until almost 8 or maybe a little after. Then they wheeled me into the OR, wide AWAKE!! It wasnt as scary as I thought it would be and I was out shortly after that. I was out of the OR around 9 and awake shortly after that. We left the hospital around 11a and I was feeling good, no cramping or pain, just STARVING!! We made it home around 12p after we stopped for food. I went back to bed probably around 1230p and then got up at 230p when the kids came home. I'm still feeling pretty good, just a little crampy here and there. I'm glad it's over with tho. And it wasnt as bad as I expected. I was expecting alot of bleeding and cramping and pain.

Ben's 4th Birthday party was today! He had a blast at Chuck E Cheese! He got so many new toys that we werent sure everything was going fit in the car! Luckily, everything fit! Tim's brother Johnny, got Ben a drum set! Thankfully its an electric one and not very loud! He got tons of Toy Story stuff, a shaving kit, and some pretty cool monster trucks! He also got his Kung Zhu hamster and some battle gear for it and his Pillow Pet frog! They have a ticket blaster there for the birthday kids and I thought he was going to freak out at first, but he LOVED it!! He was having so much fun jumping around and spinning in it! He did get 2 200 ticket vouchers as well!! He ended up with over 700 tickets to cash in! Like he needed more toys! We had a great turn out and I know he had a blast! He passed out in the car on the way home! :) Aubrey even played some games and won 40 tickets (with a little help!) for her to get some prizes! Now I definately think that we are going to have to go through and donate a bunch of stuff just to make room for everything he got today! Tomorrow is his actual birthday so hopefully we can still do something a little fun! I have to work, but maybe we can go out to breakfast or something! Here's a couple pics from the party!!

Here's Ben and Chuck E! And Ben stuffing his face with pizza!!

The worst day of my life, so far....

I went to the DR today to have an ultrasound because I've had some cramping. Our little baby no longer had a heartbeat. I'm absolutely crushed! :( I have a mix of emotions flooding through me right now and I'm a total wreck. This is definately not what I wanted to hear 4 days before Ben's birthday. I hope and pray that we can get through this and one day hold our 3rd little baby in our arms...

It's just one of those days...

Today has just been one of those days! It's barely even 1/2 over and I already cant wait for bedtime!! 2 crabby kids plus one stressed out, ticked off mom is not a good combo! I'm a little frustrated with school right now! (Ok, more than a little!!) My financial aid paperwork seems NEVERENDING!! I've filled out everything they told me to and turned everything in, met with the counselors and they told me I was good to go! Umm...yea right! I get an email from them saying that I'm missing some paperwork. Mind you, this is paperwork I've already filled out (with their help!) and turned in and now I have to do it all over! Grrr....school is driving me MAD!! I just want to finish my degree and be done with it!

On a happy note, we are already 1/2 way through July! This year is FLYING by! I'm excited for Ben's party in 2 weeks, but a little disappointed at the fact that a good friend hasnt RSVP'd or anything yet. :( I hope we have a decent turn out still tho so he wont be disappointed.

My next OB appt is Aug 4th and I'm excited but nervous as well!! I'm hoping that he does another u/s so we can get a better pic of our little nugget! And I'm very anxious to find out if we're having another boy or girl!